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| 06:20pm 03/05/2005 |
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mood:  creative
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Prom is coming.
Recital is coming.
The girls at work say they have a guy for me to meet, and I've seen pictures. He's cute. I'm excited.
School is almost over.
I got a joint admission to suffolk and Dowling.
I'm content. |
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| Ugh....giraffe milk....weird mood |
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| 01:53pm 03/04/2005 |
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mood:  blank
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Life has come to a stand still. And no matter what I do, I can't make it move forward.
I can't understand for the life of me why I can't move on. Not just from my break up, but from everything.
I-CON is next weekend, and I'm very excited. It will hopefully be lots of fun. There is so much I wanna do now, but can't due to school, the weather, my inability to actually think and not be a dirtbag, which is what I've started to feel like again.
All the seniors left, and I really can't wait till they get back. I'm thankful that my two best friends didn't go on the trip tho. I've gotten to hangout with the Guacca and the James, as well as with Kelket. We journeyed to Ponera Bread this morning, and then I saw Sin City with her (It was actually pretty good. I enjoyed the directing and the characters, but the plot was confusing and weird, and the pov kept switching around. But other than that, I'd recommend it.)
I'm home now, trying to decide whether I should go into school tomorrow or not. I probably should since I have to be ready and willing starting Tuesday to get back into the swing of things. School, work, dying. Ugh....Maybe this week will be good. Maybe this week will give me something to look forward to.
Allright, I'm done bitching and moaning and talking about myself. ~Fini |
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| 09:49pm 18/02/2005 |
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mood:  grateful
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Oh wow. I really proved to myself tonight how much you mean to me...
And in all honesty....it kinda scares me.... |
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| 06:56pm 12/02/2005 |
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Awwww! Mr. McHugh's wedding was sooooo cute!!!! And his wife is soooo cute! And awwww! I wanna get married now. ::Looks around for possible groom:: Oh wait. ::evil smile:: Oh brian dearest! hehe.
Made *stuff* with andrea today for v-day. it was fun.
Bored now. Boyfriend not calling me back so i can go out or what-not. making me cranky. |
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| 09:45pm 05/02/2005 |
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I just spent forever and my life at the outback. >_<
I did however get a chance to buy a really cute black skirt and a pinstrip business suit thing. The jacket for it is real long. ^_^ Makes me smile.
I'm so tired. And tomorrow I have work from 11-5. And then super bowl that night. gah. Next weekend is McHugh's wedding, and I need to figure out some sort of outfit to wear to it. Jeez.
And apparently, my pagan star is jewish. ::Stares:: Yes, because the star of david has only five points. ::stares:: I hate when people are so obsessed with their own religion that they fail to make simple observations about other religions.
All I wanna do....is see my boyfriend. |
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| "DAD! MAKE HER PUT DOWN THE HOLY WATER!!! AHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!" |
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| 01:22pm 05/02/2005 |
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mood:  awake
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My very religious aunt is coming up from florida to see my family and myself today into tomorrow.
This woman is so religious, every year for christmas (minus this year) she has sent me a "How To Find Your Way To God's Path" book. >_<
Brian suggested just wearing a cross and pretending while she's here.
BUT I found something better.....
A pagan star necklace with prettiful blue stones on it.
It's being worn.
WHY? Because I like to annoy her when she's around me, because she preaches stuff she doesn't even understand to people that don't care. I respect that you believe in Christ, now please respect, that I don't like him cuz he keeps making my dodgeball team lose. Thank you very much.
(and my boyfriend isn't even around today to save me from this chaos.) |
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| 10:46pm 04/02/2005 |
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mood:  melancholy music: Tatu
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My brain hurts.
Something I've learned over this year so far....
Thespians are so fake. Sorry for the generalization there, but they are. There is so much drama going on with the drama/music kids, it's not even funny. >_< And incase u didn't know, I'm a very paranoid person, so I sit there after every conversation now and think, wow, I wonder what that person really thinks of me.
Something else I've learned....
Some people are completely unreliable. And that hurts...not just me, but other people too. I'm tired of being a second choice...a last resort...it's getting old.
I hate being out of the loop. I hate not getting to see my kelket. I hate not being able to be quite there for people that need and deserve my attention and time.
I hate thinking...
I hate remembering things....
And I'm so afraid of what my future holds....
I don't wanna get thrown away again, and I know I'm just
thinking too much, but....
My brain just won't stop thinking. |
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| 09:42pm 29/01/2005 |
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mood:  hyper
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Oh boy. New semester this week.
Ladies that would be interested in posing for my birthday calendar in ur unmentionables, please ask me about it. ^_^ I've figured out who i want to pose for which months. View list below:
Kelly-January
Claire-February (cuz that's all i want for my birthday ^_^ )
Courtney- March
Kerri-April
Nicole-May
June-
July-Sara
August-Claire (again)
September-
October-
December-Pam
June, sept. and oct. are open, so if ur interested.... :) AND A GIRL! I've already had to turn my boyfriend down cuz he's...well...a boy. And a half-nakkie boy calendar is no fun.
(Let's see if anyone is actually willing to do this for my birthday. lol)
Brian is upstate right now. I hope his meet went well....and I just found out my aunt and cousins are coming up next weekend to see me early for my birthday. >_< My cousin is like 11, and she's gonna be up my ass the entire time. Not that I won't love that, and walk around thinking I'm the shit while she's here, but it's gonna be hard having to tell them I don't wanna hangout with them and discuss Jesus, I'd rather go out with friends. ::sigh:: Oh jesus. what are u doing now? Fucken eh man. |
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| ::pouts:: I'm in a whiny mood... |
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| 11:29am 24/01/2005 |
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mood:  exanimate
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It's a snow day....and i had kinda hoped for school so I could see Brian. :(
Lack of car...
lack of motivation...
Just wanna see my boyfriend. ::Cries:: |
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| 08:56pm 23/01/2005 |
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mood:  amused
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I have come to the conclusion....I love Baby. With every fiber of my being. And since I am bored, i will now create a quiz on how to tell whether u are obsessed with Kerri and/or Devan. Because I am a loser.
I feel like baking something. Perhaps I'll bake cookies to bring into school on Tuesday. ^_^ |
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| 08:38pm 23/01/2005 |
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mood:  bored
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Oh man! I had the kewlest night Friday night! At like 8-ish, i got brian and brought him back to my house, and we watched a movie and cuddled. ^_^ And then we went to Friday night Face-off, and that was the funniest shit I think I've seen in a long time. I think Brian enjoyed it, I hope he did. ^_^
I haven't seen anyone like all weekend...due to the snow. And I've decided that it's not allowed to snow on my birthday, cuz that would suck. And I think everyone should cut school that day and we should all have a giant party in my truck. With strippers and stuff. ^_^
No school tomorrow!!! WOOOT!!! should finish only college application I'm doing for suffolk community college, but I don't wanna. >_< Cuz it's stupid. And it asked retarded questions....but I get to go to school with Ling-ling for a little while, which makes me very happy! ^_^
Ugh..has your mind ever played on an idea that you don't wanna think about, but can't stop thinking about....and it's driving u insane...i mean...ummm...i think i need to get out of my house.
I'm bored like whoa. |
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| I dyed my hair black in case you didn't know. ^_^ |
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| 04:12pm 11/01/2005 |
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Alright folks...here's an update.
I'm chillin' at the library right now cuz my services as best friend were needed. ^_^ My ling had some trouble, it was like a scene from a movie: the best friend gets the hysterical phone call for help, friend hears message and runs out to drive to other friend's house to save them, then calmly instills rational thoughts into afore mentioned friend's head. ^_^ LOVE YOU LING!!
On a more personal note. OMG! Michael is sooo cute! If you don't kno who Michael is, let me fill you in. He's a 10th grader in my school who lives like a couple of corners away from me. I'd seen him around school and then when we got back from break, I saw him again, only thing was, I saw him differently. If any of you kno the whole story of what happened to me over break, you kno why I saw him differently. So my friend Orion who happens to have a class with him and kno him through some other friends introduces us. And it was priceless.
"Mike, this is Nicole, and she likes you, so now you have to like her."
::Stares:: O.o Subtle, she is not, but we still love her. Anyway, so we've been smiling at each other and saying hi and stuff, and then the other day, he asks me if i wanna hangout. I said sure, pick a day. And he said, friday. So now....I'm going to his house this Friday. And I am soooooo nervous!!! But excited.
Let's see....what else has been happening...nothing really. My writing workshop classes start soon. (Feb. 15th) And my birthday is slowly closing in. (FEB. 17). To any of you who intend to cut school with me that day, let me kno that way I can coordinate what we shall do. ^_^ I can't wait. And valentine's day is coming!!! Oh man! I'm actually quite excited. And although I've been in better positions before, I can't let anything get me down. Not now.
And let's see....oh yea! I get to work on costumes for the school musical! It's gonna be awesome! And pam, myself, and dee are suppose to go to I-CON as the three chics from Final Fantasy X-2 (yuna, rikku, and paine). I get to be rikku and walk around half nakked. ^_^ Hmmmm....let's see. Nothing much else going on. I've found myself trying to focus more on other people's problems again, so as not to think about my own feelings too much. But no one seems to have alot of problems right now. Things just seem to be falling into place.
I've been talking to kelly alot.(cuz she's one of my best friends!) and her attitude in general makes life a lot better. I don't kno what it is about her, but she makes me smile and see things in an optimistic way...even if she goes about relying that message in a negative way. ^_^ I suggest talking to her about anything if you need a little pick me up kinda thing.
That's about it...I'll write again soon. *Promise* |
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| 04:25pm 04/12/2004 |
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Okay, kerri, you have been added as my friend. Let me just warn u now that there is a majorly lame post in there somewhere where I'm bashing Rob, but that was when he and Nikki had first broken up, and the female I'm bashing in it isn't you. (Cuz I love you too much). I just wanted to warn u, cuz I didn't want you to see it and get mad at me because then I would cry. So, yea, I tried searching for it so I could delete it, but I couldn't find it. I love you tho. And you're finally added, so have fun!!!
<3 Me
ps. everyone that didn't know, I passed my road test. :) |
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| 08:54am 24/10/2004 |
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It has been a very long time. My computer is gay and doesn't let me do much more than use aim, so I haven't been able to update. Let's see. Well, I've been pretty good. Yesterday I went to beginning out mt. sinai's homecoming. The floats were kewl, and courtney was awesome when she sang the national anthem. After that I went with Megan, her friend Nicole, and Alyssa to longwood's homecoming. It was ok. Longwood won. I saw matt for like 2 seconds and a fight almost erupted. Long story. But it didn't, so after the game, pamm, dee, matt (who we went to pick up), and myself went to Pam's diner. And dorian met up with us. I made matt get food and told him I would pay for stuff today cuz it was a date. ^_^ After him fighting me on not wanting me to pay for him for like 5 minutes or so, he finally got food. (Which was the messiest thing on the menu!) Afterwards, we went to pam's for a bit and then went to see The Grudge. The movie was freaky, but only cuz like things were popping out alot. I got to cuddle with matt through the whole thing tho, and anytime something scary was gonna happen, i would luck cluth his shirt and he would hold me tighter incase i got scared. ^_^ After the movie, we all went back to matt's for a bit, played a round of the guy game, and watched part of the cell. Well, they did, i kinda just lied on matt and whined cuz i was sleepy and didn't wanna go home. When we were getting ready to leave, matt thanked me for buying him food (which i didn't do, cuz the diner is pammi's dad's so he didn't make us pay) and for the movie and for the date. hehe.....i finally got to take matt evans on a date!!!! yay!!! I told him i would give him a better one some other time. and he was like, this one was good. and he was sooo cute while i was leaving, and giving me smooches and beign like, " i wish u could stay over" and i kept melting. cuz he's friggin' sooooo cute!
ps. i slept over pam's. ^_^ She's getting ready for her audition, which I'm sure she'll kick ass on!!!! Plans today sit as work 2-5:30, then maybe going over dorian's, cuz his parents aren't home.
I'll write more later if i can. ^_^ |
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| My horoscope for today.... |
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| 03:07am 03/10/2004 |
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Aquarius
Your self-confidence levels are at an all-time high. In fact, you're secure enough with who you are to make a few changes in your image -- just make sure that you don't go around fixing what isn't broken. Tonight, others understand you better when you show them your hand in the game. Acceptance and approval are powerful forces right now, so act accordingly.
Romance
Passion heats up through an intellectual connection. Direct communication will lead to an expansion of feelings for each other. |
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| 07:16am 30/09/2004 |
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mood:  indescribable
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I found this in someone's myspace blog, they got it off a forum posting.
WARNING
....before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily ...they will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months to heal!!! And years for the scars to fade! IF you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again...it will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and covering up cutting And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep." And you freak out because the blood won't stop...and you are gaping....and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't tell anyone. So you sit there alone...praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far again...But you will and further. Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER. And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20 , 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy. You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips...3 or four different kinds of dressings...betadine....antibiotic cream..medical tape..scar reducers.....You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies...someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands , boots... gloves..the list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a differnent way...Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI... just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone. You wont even think about it ..as your eyes scan their wrists arms...hoping just hoping they will be like you....But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood..Scrubbing your bathroom floor...wiping the blood of your keyboard....
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergancies. When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen. Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch. Beacuase you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease."
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.. You will dream about cutting...you will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely HATE cutting...at the same time you love it and can not live with out of it.
you have been warned..... |
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| 09:51pm 22/09/2004 |
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New icons stolen from a mimato community, which is soooo cute!!!! The icons were made by the lj user </a></b></a>![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) tachikawa_mimi . They are sooooo adorable!!! I am a huge fan of the Yama-chan!!! ^_^ |
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| 02:59pm 20/09/2004 |
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mood:  thoughtful
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I'm afraid to move or even to take notice of how everything is sorting itself out in my life.
Now if I could only sort through all the shit in my room.
ps. A-chan....What day are you free, cuz I think I have to hand in a picture to yearbook soon. |
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| 10:43pm 18/09/2004 |
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Okay, so I got to get outta my house tonight. Sam and John picked me up with some...people...that they were chilling with. It was okay....It was nice seeing sam and john and it was awesome to get outta the house. I was gonna stop by Matt's house, cuz he's like dying. (He has a cold AND a fever...how the hell do u get a fever from like nothing??? The cold I understand, he got from me, because he's dumb and drank from my cup when i was sick, but a fever??) Anyway, so we went downport tonight too, and I was gonna get the kid some candy, but I didn't know what kinda candy he likes, so He gets none.
I'm so tired...It's been such a long day. And I don't wanna go back to school. I have a bad feeling that it's gonna be hell. |
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| 05:10pm 18/09/2004 |
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I think I'm staying home tonight, which for some reason, I'm perfectly fine with. After lunch with kelly tomorrow, maybe I'll do something with sara, alex, matt, and all them. For right now, I'm perfectly content sitting on my ass watching this really dumb anime, duel masters. Joshua Seth is the main character's voice actor, so it doesn't matter if the anime is dumb. He has such a cute voice!!!!
I'm getting kinda worried....no contact from one of my close friends at all today...just makes me feel a bit uneasy because I kno they've been having a hard time at home lately. I don't kno......I'm so tired of everything....I wish I could just wake up one morning and have everything workout the way I want it to. whateva. |
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